I hate the fact that my creativity is wanking itself theses days. Really, there's a thought that obsesses me and the very concept is self-aware.

All I can think about is thinking about stuff. My mind is walled between the fact that it wants to create and the belief that it cannot produce anything beyond the bar of mediocrity. Not that I'm afraid of failure. I just think that besides copying what I find nice on the Internet, my skills outmatch my insight by a tenfold. To me, it feels like a prison which I can't escape.

Even me writing this somehow feels like a proof of the trap I've laid out for myself. I can't seem to talk about anything else other from the concept of the lack of originality. Like my inner child is long gone and that no matter what I believe of myself, it can never come back in time to bring me up into the artist I wish to become. Because, let's not kid ourselves, I wasn't born to become an agency designer. What I expect of myself is slowly starting to endanger the truthfulness of my art. I feel like it's less and less me that's poured out into my designs and more the version of me I haven't become yet. Yet, I feel like this is the version that others need me to be.

I carry out this conversation in my head to no limits. To the point at which it even stops me from starting my work. Truth is, it's still vague to me what's the point I enjoy the most about my process. I'm so easily distracted, I find an infinite amount of reasons to postpone my work, even if I know how important it is.

Maybe it all leads up to this. Maybe what I'm really afraid of is that my art ends up meaning nothing. I feel that by acknowledging the demands of everyone, by following what I think the current trends are, by copying the designers I admire, I lose myself in a meltdown of concepts that are, yes, beautiful but that all to nowhere. I have yet to grasp the concept of what a good designer is. Of what an accomplished artist should do. Of  what it takes to truly feel original. At this point, the angst is a result of the knowledge of what I can be confronted to the frustration of not feeling like I possess the the spark necessary to present my Universe to others. At this point, I'm not sure whether I believe if it's something I can evolve into or if I've missed my shot at using up my innate creativity. Not that I'm too old but rather that I might have lost touch with the part of me that lacks the need of make each second of labour profitable.

So I guess what will end up having to happen is I'll have to start playing again. I just have to think how I'll balance my coming back with a new perspective on designing with purpose.